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Parenting with Dr. Dave: Developing Happy, Resilient, Successful Children
Dr. David Botkin, Director of Student Services
Child holding parent's hand while playing

After working for over 30 years as a psychologist, providing counseling services in the South Bend area, I have taken the newly-created position of Director of Student Services here at The Stanley Clark School. While I’ve been connected with Clark for many years, as both a parent and the school’s part-time psychologist, this new role allows me even more opportunity to connect with our school community, and, hopefully, provide you with some deeper insights and strategies into common parenting challenges and topics in child development. 

The Role of a Parent

One topic often debated when determining parental roles is parenting positions or postures. In other words, how do we conceptualize our role as a parent when we interact with our children. Some believe the best outcomes for children occur when parents take an authoritarian role with high expectations and an emphasis on achievement and discipline. Others believe a nurturing, supportive style with an emphasis on unconditional acceptance works best. But these styles do not need to be thought of as mutually exclusive, as opposite ends of a single continuum. Instead, we can be both a respected authority and a supportive nurturer. I call this approach Emotionally Supportive/Behaviorally Firm.

Key One: Understanding Emotions vs. Behaviors

The keys to implementing an Emotionally Supportive/Behaviorally Firm (ES/BF) approach are twofold. The first is to recognize the differences between emotions (which we cannot control) and behaviors (which we must control). Emotional maturity is essentially the ability to use intellect to override feelings (urges) to do the smart or right thing when our urge tempts us to do otherwise. For example, the younger the child, the more difficult it is for him or her to override the desire to avoid a needed medical injection. The five-year-old will have difficulty with an injection--we hope the teenager will not. But even adults can struggle to do the smart thing when encountering strong feelings. We should help our children develop this emotional maturity over the course of their childhoods as it is necessary to a happy, successful adulthood.

In an ES/BF approach, we are supportive and accepting of the child’s feelings. Often a parent will say, “It’s not a big deal, get over it.” That statement invalidates the child’s experience. I’d rather a parent say, “It’s okay to feel sad (or angry, disappointed, nervous, frustrated, irritated). We all feel that way at times.” And yet at the same time, we can ask for adherence to developmentally appropriate standards of behavior. “Even though you are upset with me, you are not allowed to shout at me.” “Even though you were disappointed when you lost the game, you still have to behave with sportsmanship.” In short, it is okay to feel bad but it is not okay to behave badly.

Key Two: Enforcing the Rules Without Making It Personal

The second key to ES/BF parenting is not to make parenting personal. Too often a parent will take a child’s poor choice as an affront to them personally. “You make me so mad when you don’t listen.” “What’s the matter with you? Why do you insist on embarrassing me?” Parenting that takes the stance of “fear my wrath” or “don’t make me mad” is making it personal, and it is difficult to maintain an emotionally supportive stance when we are angry at our own child. Instead, parenting works better when we dispassionately enforce the rules for the sake of the rules and the better outcomes for all that such adherence engenders. You can think of a basketball referee. The ref enforces the rules, consistently and impartially, without taking any of it personally. The players, then, focus on the rules and the consequences of a violation rather than on whether the ref is in a good mood, is watching, or likes them. It is the same with parenting. As we move to less personal and more rule-based parenting we can maintain emotional support and love even as we enforce the rules. “I love you very much, and I’m very proud of you, but you know that when you ride your bike dangerously you can’t ride your bike for three days. Let’s find something else to do.”

Finding the Balance

This approach of balancing the roles of respected authority and supportive nurturer allows us to simultaneously promote self-acceptance and personal responsibility in our children - two vital ingredients for developing happy, resilient, and successful young adults.


About the Author

David Botkin

David Botkin

Director of Student Services 

dbotkin@stanleyclark.org

  • child development
  • parenting

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